2002-10-09 - 9:15 a.m.
I had odd dreams last night. First I was in a house that was tucked way back in the forest with some friends and my husband. We heard that there was a forest fire nearby and we were told to wait for rescue. The longer we waited the worse the fire got and the more we panicked. Eventually the fire had consumed our entire valley and we could feel the heat in the house. Everyone was crying and going crazy. I kept saying we should just go, not to wait for the rescue crews but no one wanted to go. I knew there was a way out but no one wanted to listen to me, they were all too afraid. I remember this incredible feeling of abandonment, of having been let down. Not only by our supposed rescue but by my friends for not trusting me.
Second dream was I was ... basically a prostitute like in the movie "From Hell" all dressed in dresses, stockings, and odd little jackets. I was hanging with a bunch of girls and together we all owned a house so we would have a safe place to sleep at night. I really loved these girls, and felt very protective of them. As a gesture of affection I would pat them on the ass whenever they would come in for the night. But everytime someone saw this they accused me of hitting them, like violently. I tried to watch my hand as I patted them, I could have sworn that I was using no force. Moreover, I *knew* I meant no harm. But I didn't know if the girls knew that. All of a sudden I was so afraid that they were afraid of me. I tried asking them but they avoided the question. And the people who had accused me of hitting my girls kept insisting, kept laughing at my inability to control myself. But I thought I was ...
Even now as I write about it tears threaten. Because I really can't imagine a worse thing than not being able to control myself, to be hurting someone when I think that I'm showing them how much I care.
On the other hand, they won't know if I don't try to tell them. As I slowly become imobilized by "what will they think of this/that/the other thing" my chance to show them how I feel slowly seeps away. They feel ignored because I haven't communicated and I feel abandoned because I lost my chance.
To use the symbolism of my dreams:
I become surrounded by the dread of being judged or being too much (the fire) which is not only controllable but escapable if I act in time. My conscious identity (me) has to fight with my other fears and attachments (other people in the dream) to escape the secure position of not acting (house) before I become trapped by doubt and convinced that I cannot safely communicate. And no one is going to communicate for me (rescue crew that my fears were counting on).
Similarly, in the second dream the girls and I (other parts of my identity, these more confident than the others) all have an understanding. We all live in the same reality. Instead of the house being a secure place of non-action it was what I (as the awakened identity) could offer to my other, growing parts as sanctuary to rest and grow stronger. Those that stood outside and called up my fears were old dragons, old patterns that used to protect me but are now out dated and too small to do anything but dwindle and cat call. What my girls required of me was to trust myself and my intentions. I remember getting the impression from them that I was being silly, that all I ever did was love and protect them. In my fear, I had thought they were humoring me out of fear but now I think they were demanding that I listen to my own heart and not my fear that I hurt those I try to care for. Also that my gesture of affection was not "too much" because they understood what it meant. And it was so small a thing that it didn't even occur to them to be injured by it.
I'm not quite clear what that means in real life. Perhaps that once I make myself understood I will be able to shed the fear of being too much. Or, Pisces-wise, that I am understood by those I care for and I should get to shedding right now. I like that last one better. ; )
Wuf, that's a tall order. But, as W once said to me, the Magician stands on top of the Tower with a lightening rod screaming at the stormy sky HIT ME HIT ME HIT ME!!! So, thanks for the hit.
Take Care
M
(the quote for today is long)
"Your friend is your needs answered.
He is your field which you sow with love and reap with thanksgiving.
And he is your board and your fireside.
For you come to him with your hunger, and you seek him for peace.
When your friend speaks his mind you fear not the "nay" in your own mind, nor do you withhold the "ay."
And when he is silent your heart ceases not to listen to his heart;
For without words, in friendship, all thoughts, all desires, all expectations are born and shared, with joy that is unacclaimed.
When you part from your friend, you grieve not;
For that which you love most in him may be clearer in his absence, as the mountain to the climber is clearer from the plain.
And let there be no purpose in friendship save the deepening of the spirit.
For love that seeks aught but the disclosure of its own mystery is not love but a net cast forth: and only the unprofitable is caught.
And let your best be for your friend.
If he must know the ebb of your tide, let him know its flood also.
For what is your friend that you should seek him with hours to kill?
Seek him always with hours to live.
For it is his to fill your need, but not your emptiness.
And in the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures.
For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed." - The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran
