2002-10-16 - 8:32 a.m.
Man, I wish I were as funny as Marn. No, that's not true. I wish I were as funny as me. And I am funny! In real life. Not here, where you can't see my expressions or hear my voice or have the time for me to explain all the references. For example, I could say "bee teeth!" and a girlfriend of mine would at least giggle ... but here nuthin'.
And it's frustrating. I love making people laugh, it's one of those things that I don't quite feel like me without.
I remember my mom telling me about how much of a relief it was to go to college and not have people expect her to make them laugh. What freedom it was to realize that she didn't have to. But I wouldn't quite know what to do. It would be like one of those movies where someone is taken out of their element and forced to grow a personality seperate from what they've always known. (tangent: why do we put the apostrophe in front of the "ve" for "they've" but not in front of the "nt" for "didn't"? I saw it as "did'n't" in Madame Bovary and it makes a lot more sense that way. And why is it "into" but not "infront"? Why the extra space?)
Luckily no one has ever challenged me that way. No one has ever said "Look, you can stop trying so hard to make me laugh, I like you anyway." And hopefully (casts eyes to the Heavens) NO ONE EVER WILL!!! I've given up my fear of sex, I've given up my fear of polyamory, I've given up my hatred of my body, I've accepted that I am an attractive human being (though that is still a bit uneasy or I wouldn't have used so many words), I got married, and I tell the truth 99.9% of the time (because you can't tell your boss to take a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut but you *can* say "I don't want to be a liability to you"). All of these things are beyond what I ever thought possible for myself. So much progress, so much strength, so much change. And I see the value of all of it ... but I don't want to give up the laughing thing. That, and the love of dancing, are *mine* ... you can't have 'em.
And while I certainly could analyze that statement to mean "well then, you best cut that attachment" I prefer to look at it this way: of all of the things I've been carrying around with me that I *thought* were part of my true identitiy these couple of things really *are*.
Another tangent: why do I always wait until the wrong season to do something? I cut my hair just in time for it to start getting cold, I always have. And just recently I've been hankering to go rollerblading again. When I was younger I used to clamp on the walkman and 'blade for hours in the business parks and on the levys near my house. It was great. Since, I've lived in hilly areas or areas with heavier traffic than I am confident navigating so I haven't gone out much in the past few years. But I have really been longing for it lately ... in October ... when it's going to get cold and (hopefully) wet and overall stupid to strap wheels to oneself. (And yes, we can all pause for a moment to speak ill of the California weather ... in that we have none ... ok, moment's over). But that's fine.
Not much more, take care
M
"You, cake or death?" Eddie Izzard
