2002-10-18 - 12:41 p.m.
Why don't I look at the sky anymore? Or, at least, lately? The last couple of times that my husband has pointed out a sunrise or sunset I have been very impatient, I didn't really look.
I sat outside for lunch today. The light was diffused and gray. I opened my book but was grabbed by the need to look up. I looked up and saw the sun, just a white blur, behind passing, grey clouds. I tried to go back to my book but I had to look up again. I watched as the typical SF high winds took the typical SF fog and low clouds east. I watched as that same wind cleared off a typical crystal blue autum sky, revealing a sun that shone piercing white. When the clouds had gone and the sun was given a chance it actually warmed up a bit. And the gray, semi-miserable lunch I had been plannig to have turned into a light kiss on the head. And I got to thinking, why don't I look at the sky anymore?
It seems that I'm always hiding from the sky. The curtains are closed in my bedroom. I close my eyes as soon as I get on BART. I walk head down to my office. I rarely go outside for anything and when I do it's head down all the way. My BART station from work is underground and I'm on that train for 45 minutes, into the car, into the house ... not one glance skyward for days at a time.
When I think about it, it seems like a symptom of always being on my way somewhere. It seems like I haven't the time to spare for a change in perspective, I have to keep on track or I'll get messed up. On the other hand, looking at the sky frees me from my footsteps, if just for a moment. Maybe that's too much sometimes.
Whatever the reason I realized today that I miss the sky. I miss looking up. I miss really taking the time to look at something beyond control. I miss being able to feel smaller than ... you know? I miss the peace that comes with the thought that the sky can be bigger than me without having anything to do with me. That everything that I think is terrifying, embarrassing, exciting, or depressing is nothing ... somewhere.
And for once, I don't care why. I don't want to analyze my desire for this. I am simply happy that it's there. There are so many things that I want at this point in time and ... I'm not always sure who they belong to ... because they don't always feel like mine. I have to ask myself "do I want this simply because of this person's influence on me?" even about the things I love best. But this desire, the desire to look at the frikkin' sky, that's mine. Thankfully.
Take care,
M
"- I will turn you out and EARN off your ass!!
- Uh, oh, he must be mad. He's gone to his 'Hookers on the Point' lingo" Barry Ween
