2002-11-18 - 4:43 p.m.
I once heard that it only takes 3 days to break the chemical addiction to nicotine but that the psychological addicition is a much longer battle.
Fuckers.
I hate the feeling. The tightness in my stomach. The need to grit my teeth. The feeling that everything in the world sucks and it's my fault and it would all get easier to handle if I had a CIGARETTE. And the fact that I calm down at just the THOUGHT of smoking indicates to me that I really ought not to.
I haven't smoked for 3 years. My (then) boyfriend gave me a choice between dating him and smoking. I chose him. I am now separated from and a hair's breadth away from divorcing him, so cigarettes and I got back together. It was a dubious reunion of a love-hate relationship.
The thing is cigarettes don't prove anything, they don't change anything, they don't make anything better. They just fuck up my lungs, smell up my clothes, and make me miss chunks of movies and tv shows. But I keep going back to them because, at some point in my past, I equated them with freedom. In my mind, smoking equals autonomy and that's what I GET to do when I am on my own. Stupid. Deadly. Predictable, at least for me.
Right now, when I stop typing, I'm wringing my hands and experiencing a characteristic shortness of breath. Not that I can't breathe, but there aren't enough chemicals in what I AM breathing.
I want something to put in my mouth. Yes, yes, it's a straight line but it's true. My oral fixation is satisfied by smoking or by sucking on things. I have caught myself giving elaborate head to unsuspecting water bottles just 'cause they're there (and I find it extremely relaxing). A joy for the home audience, not so much for me. Don't get me wrong, I like the fact that having an oral fixation makes giving oral sex fun and satisfying for me. Sometimes it's the best thing I can think of doing with my partner because it makes everyone happy! On the other hand, I can't do THAT every time I get stressed or feel the need to externalize my autonomy.
This is why I'm going to get my tongue pierced. It is an external change and it's something in my mouth that I get to play with ALL THE TIME. Well, not all the time, my bosses would probably NOT find that amusing, but I can suck on it all the time. And, really, how many things can you say that about?
It's interesting, I wonder how this piercing will effect me. My navel piercing has had a huge effect on my stomach chakra. It's become a focal point and physical conduit, though I haven't had much energy work done since I got it. But I've felt the difference in my energy the times I have taken it out to clean it or what have you.
So, a focal point and physical conduit in my mouth ... woo hoo! That'll be fun ... as soon as I stop talking funny. Or maybe it won't, maybe it will just be in the way and cause people to stare into my mouth when I'm talking to them. Heh.
Well, all this talk has gotten me through the first real hit of withdrawal. *sigh* Hopefully it will last. I have to go talk to the ex tonight and that promises to be ... hard. Oh well, maybe after I get home I'll chew on my crocheting hook or something. grrrrrr
Take care, and stay out of my way ;)
M
See, you can tell I'm stressed because I'm using CAPS LOCK ... mwah
