2002-11-26 - 1:37 p.m.
I am a woman who has left her husband. I am a child, watching her father leave and wondering what she did to make him go. I am a girl in the process of letting go. I am a child convinced that the moment I let go that person will disappear and not love me anymore. I am a woman who needs to analyze her feelings before they are "acceptable" to share, and only then with certain people. I am a child who is afraid to cry, or rage, or want because she fears being too much and be left again.
I am a woman who kicks her socks off under the covers. I am a child who has her mother cut the "feets" off of her jammies. I am a woman who memorizes and mimicks things to cherish them. I am a girl who can memorize anything. I am a woman who just "bought" a ring on her looks. I am a girl who cannot conceive of her own beauty. I am a woman who can conceive of her own beauty. I am a girl at peace.
I am a woman on the brink of exciting change, dynamic process, exhilarating uncertainty. I am a child who is terrified. I am a woman, free. I am a girl, alone.
I am a woman who loves you. I am a girl who needs you. I am a child who is afraid of you. I am a woman who wants you to see me. I am a child who hides. I am a woman who wants to be loved. I am a girl who is afraid that she will hurt you. I am a child who is afraid to be left and hurt again. I am a woman with a pattern. I am a girl with fears. I am a child with pain.
How many times does it take to learn the lesson? Do you even realize it when you learn it the first time? Or do you just realize, mid-stride, that you must have learned something at some point because things are different now?
When can I let go of needing to do it right? When can I start trusting myself and just doing it like I'm gonna do it? A dear friend of mine said "You handle it like you handle it". No manual, no rules. This is the really real world and there are no directions.
So to all of my friends, who have been doing their damnedest to help me through this I say: Thank you, but it is time to keep your opinions and advice to yourself. I'm going to handle this like I handle it. It is not a committee decision because it won't be a committee action. Or a committee mistake. Or a committee reward. It's all me. So, thank you, I love you, now shut up.
And to myself: I am strong enough to do this. I am strong enough to run, I am strong enough to stay. Just decide what your will is and it shall be so.
Take care,
M
no quote for today, I think this is quite enough, don't you?
