2002-12-26 - 12:43 p.m.
(Christmas Eve - 1:30 am)
Laying in bed with my sleeping lover's hand on my knee, one of his cats asleep on his chest, my stomach growling, my lips craving a cigarette ... and *I'm* taking inventory.
Thinking about this moment ... this one right here when I wonder what it is I am getting out of this situation. Not wondering as if there isn't anything I'm getting out of it ... wondering as in "where was it, I had it here, I just had my hand on it now where the FUCK did I put it?"
Thinking about my need for an cigarette. How I know that it's not the nicotine that drives me ... well, ok, it does a bit ... but what REALLY drive me is the 5 minutes alone. The 5 minutes of justifyable space and time. It doesn't hurt that the habit itself makes one repellant to about 45% of the population (my number, not a statistic). Even if someone insists on talking to me during the 5 minutes I have an excuse to turn my head and look at the sky. And it someone is smoking with me they understand ... this is their 5 minutes, too.
Thinking about the lover I just called to wish a Merry Christmas. Was that fair? I have mixed feelings about the phone. Everything I used to like about it (the ability to hide, be distracted, lie) is what makes me hate talking to him on it. The phone isn't skin or breath or heat ... it's a nice safe filter that makes everything that passes through it one dimensional. I'm not good at being one dimensional. At least not anymore.
Thinking about how great it feels to feel yourself evolving along with a character in a movie. How great it is to recognize the sentiments and realize yourself through and beyond them. It's even better when it's a movie and character that you admire.
Foot asleep, need the loo, out for that cigarette
Do I wish I was in Portland right now? Yes, but that's only because it would meant I'd accomplished something. I'd gained my quickening, harnessed it, and begun to ride. This much I've learned in the past couple months: it is one thing to know something is going to happen, it is a completely seperate thing to be ready for it.
Ok, two cigarettes
Back to bed. He's sleeping like a log and the cats have claimed their space. I'll turn the light off and slide under the covers in a minute
Thinking that this is how I spent my Christmas Eve ... wondering if I should have spent it with my family but knowing that it wouldn't have been better. The sheets would be just as strange, the comfort I want just as far away, and the strange, lonely, unmoored feeling floating in my stomach just as prevalent.
Ever gone swimming? Ever gone under, held your breath, and listened to the sounds coming from above the water? Everything sounds murky and distant. You can still recognize the familiar voices but they are distorted by the water. That's how I feel right now, all the time right now. My emotions, my reactions, my experiences are distorted and distant. I can grasp things, feelings, moments but it takes me a minute and sometimes the clarity is painful ...
Snoring .... grand, in stereo, no less
(to self) I love you, I really do. Getting grounded is just going to take some time.
Yeah, I know.
Hello, cat
Good night,
M
