2003-01-07 - 9:38 a.m.
Is there anything that you have wanted for as long as you can remember? Perhaps not an all consuming desire but a desire that bears revisiting. And each time you revisit it you find that it is still as true as ever. You want that thing, you have always wanted that thing, and you will be complete in some way when you get that thing.
I have several things like that. A college degree for one. Kids for another, though I have been having difficulty with admitting that to myself lately. BUT the relavent one today is ... an apartment of my own.
I have this vision of myself in a softly lit room, sparsly decorated in jewel tones. Low bookshelves, low bed, lots of pillows. And it's mine. There is no one I need to consult on the decor. There is no one to bug about doing the dishes ... hell, there aren't even that many dishes in the first place. *sigh* My own space.
And I'm going to get it. At the start of next month. GAH! So cool, and so scary! I have never really been alone. Even when I wasn't dating someone, I lived with my parents or with friends. And even though I will still be dating ... inviting someone into my own space feels different than inviting them into my *room*. I mean, the apartment is entirely my own space. I fulfill all of the roles in that space. I'm not just visiting or trying to cram my stuff somewhere it won't be in people's way. In my own space, my stuff goes where I want it to go.
It seems to be a lot about boundaries and identity and defining oneself. I need that. And I've been wanting it for a long time.
Three words I'm going to have illuminated and framed:
Individuality, autonomy, and freedom.
Take care,
M
"...But you, children of space, you restless in rest, you shall not be trapped nor tamed.
Your house shall be not an anchor but a mast.
It shall not be a glistening film that covers a wound, but an eyelid that guards the eye.
You shall not fold your wings that you may pass through doors, nor bend your heads that they strike not against a ceiling, nor fear to breathe lest walls should crack and fall down.
You shall not dwell in tombs made by the dead for the living.
And though of magnificence and splendour, your house shall not hold your secret nor shelter your longing.
For that which is boundless in you abides in the mansion of the sky, whose door is the morning mist, and whose windows are the songs and the silences of night." - The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran
