2003-01-30 - 5:17 p.m.
Clean frustration. That is what I am feeling right now. Clean frustration with the fact that I can’t share my diary with (someone). Clean frustration with the fact that I have found a dozen cute apartments in Portland but I can’t go to any of them now. Clean frustration with my mom for doubting me. Clean frustration with all of these things that I can’t change today RIGHT NOW!
It’s an odd thing about a Plan. It’s like trying to experience a thing before it happens. It’s like trying to prepare oneself to live through something. It’s like believing that thinking through something is just as good as living through it, and since you’ve done that you have every right to expect the thing to already be done. It’s like my whole life I have been satisfied with pretend. I have been satisfied with fantasizing about the way things would go and how I would feel and what I would say. So satisfied, in fact, that I would not feel the need to actually go through them. Or, in going through them, be disappointed and so even more unwilling to go through them. Even more unwilling to deal with things as they actually are, preferring my fantasy life over the possibility and risk of a real one. My whole life has been hemmed in by what I can imagine. By what I can concoct or conceive. My god, how small is that? To only allow myself to risk what I’ve already thought of. To set the limits of my life at my own mind, my own wreckage, my own fear, my own poisoned expectations.
Wow. So this is what it’s like to look back in on oneself. Makes me dizzy. Now what do I do with this? This thought is pretty big, I don’t know if I’ll be able to carry it around all of the time. I guess ... huh. Well, the good thing is: you can never go back. Once you see the world as larger you cannot make your vision small again. That is the great thing about magic and philosophy, they change the way you see your world. And you can never go back.
On one hand, that’s great, because there is more out there than I could ever conceive of, therefore predict, therefore control, therefore talk myself out of. On the other hand, how would I know that? It’s great to think that there is more in the world than just moving to Portland. But it is awful too. Because, while there is more than Portland, I can grasp Portland, I can understand Portland, Portland fits in my head. I mean, it’s great to hear the voice of God but it’s not exactly something you can leave on your answering machine. Possibility warring with practicality. I think it would be great to live on my own before I go to PDX but I live in the SF Bay Area … not affordable by definition. So is heading for what you can grasp settling for less? Or is it realizing and accepting your limitations? And what about that line in Illusions "argue for your limitations and, sure enough, they’re yours"? And what about Wilem Defoe in Boondock Saints? Did he rule or what?
wuf I’m tired
M
