2003-02-13 - 3:47 p.m.
It's funny. I've been on the Internet for hours. I've been doing research, writing down phone numbers and utility costs. I've been looking up maps and seeing where things are in relation to what I am already familiar with. But, I realize that none of this information is what I need. None of it is what I'm acutally looking for.
What I'm looking for is an answer. I'm looking for the website that tells me everything is going to be ok, I'll have a job, I'll have a place to live, and the only real friend I have in the Portland area won't freak out when he hears I'm moving up there.
There are a hand full of people who I need not to freak out (did that make sense?). My mom, and she hasn't. She was solution oriented right along with me. My dad, and he hasn't, much. He said he'd worry about how much he's going to miss me later. Ditto. My best friend, and he hasn't. He's just trying to spend every minute he can with me. Which is fine. Regardless of ... everything ... I draw strength from my time with him. And my friend in Portland. That's his title. "My Friend in Portland". I just need him to not be a drama queen. Yes, I am avoiding the subject for fear of drama. And, yes, I should try to trust. But I know too many drama queens. Hell, I married one. I suppose the time to fess up will come and I'll deal with it then.
Because trying to find the one word or phrase or gesture that will fix the whole problem is dehumanizing, isn't it? It's taking the flesh and blood out of the problem and trying to deal with just the bones. Trying to minimize people to a collection of patterns and behavioral clues is missing the point. Missing the people. GAH!
My best friend once (and a couple of times after that) said that the best way to convince a Virgo of something is to let them think it's their idea. Fuck you. God, that statement pissed me off. Because that made it seem like I don't have original thoughts. But the thing is ... it's actually true in a way. I do need to think it's my idea but by becoming something that I understand it becomes my idea. What made it make sense for him isn't necessarily what will make it make sense for me even if it will end up making the same kind of sense. After I've understood it, after I've made it my own then I am convinced because now it has context for me. Just so, I am beginning to grok the "dehumanizing" thought he posed to me a few days ago. I'm beginning to get it.
Whether or not I know who to call to turn on my water I still need to wait and see if I have a job or a place to stay. Whether or not I can analyze what I *think* my-friend-in-Portland's reaction is going to be to my news I still have to tell him at some point. What matters is I don't make it contrived, what matters is I let go of trying to control or predict it and just live like I want it to be. Live like it's not a big deal, except personally; live like it's not on his account; live like I'm going to do this all on my own, which I am.
Hard work, god damnit.
M
Random quote from Illusions for the day:
The bond that links your true family is not one of blood; but of respect and joy in each other's life.
Rarely do members of one family grow up under the same roof.
(and, you know, I feel better just typing it)
