2003-02-19 - 11:34 a.m.
Odd feeling.
I was on Barbara Kingsolver's website just poking around. Hoping for information on a book tour or something so I could actually meet her. I found a little section entitled For Reading Groups. I followed the link and found lists of discussion topics for reading groups. Cool! was my first reaction ... ways to talk about the books that I love. Upon reading some of the questions I was filled with dismay and my mind wailed "Can't I just love something and not have to dissect it? Can't I just love it whole?"
What? Are you NEW?? Don't you know who you're talking to? I can't even identify an emotion without starting the sentence with "a part of me". I'm so freaking compartmentalized I seem to approach my emotional state like cafeteria food ... deal with one icky thing, turn the plate, deal with the next icky thing.
But it's not like that in real life. And that mold, that template, won't survive first contact with the enemy. It's all messy, it's all mixed together, and trying to seperate out the single reason you did one thing and not the other is like the needle in the haystack trick ... when the needle is made of hay. There is no one reason for anything. Nor can you exclude one reason from anything. It's all cumulative and reasons and excuses and thoughts and shame all affect each other if for no other reason than proximity.
I feel a little embarassed about the number of times I have had to say this to myself. But that's the way it works, isn't it?
pleh
Take Care
M
